Has it really been a year already? Oh yeah, it’s only been ten months. While time has flown since we last saw the Big Brother house, it seems like an eternity since Dan Gheesling was crowned the winner of season ten.
I must say that CBS has done a great job at building up season 11. Besides the usual round of news articles and TV appearances (besides last night’s lackluster Julie Chen “announcement” about the sex of her child), the network and producers have dropped enough hints about house activities that even the most lukewarm BB fan has to be excited for this evening’s episode.
While CBS is hyping the “green” theme of this season, what has most fans chattering online is the news that former HG’s are inside the house. Every day has seen a handful of new rumors - some thrilling, others frightening. If the latest rumors are indeed true, I’m a bit scared for the season. Or at least the first few days. Please don’t let it be true that ***** is in the house!!!
Uh oh, bad news for me. Just minutes before the start of the show, my cable company interrupted all channels with weather alerts. This could be a frustrating hour for me.
So here we go!!! Same set, same Julie stance, and just a bit of a pregnancy bump. Oh god, she has to make a bad joke about her “expecting”. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know how the show works. Um, just by the wall pics I know who I will inevitably hate, but I’ll keep it to myself for now.
Julie starts by sort of explaining the four cliques - jocks, outcasts, etc. - and we then see the HG’s receiving their “keys”. Ok, I do know I’m going to hate ultimate nerd boy Ronnie. But I do love Jordan (but Laura is an overly-big implant disappointment)! Overall, it’s the same scripted clichés we hear every year, although I do like Laura’s comment about white rappers right before Casey‘s beat boxing disaster.
After Julie’s first “but first”, we get to see everybody walk in. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ! Julie has them all look around at everybody, then has them enter in groups of four. Yes, it’s that same screaming with excitement stuff we’re all used to. One word of advice - settle down, Ronnie! Kevin likes him, though. Lydia’s not liking the “splish splash” room, though, and Braden immediately volunteers to bed with three women.
They crack open a bottle of champagne, and begin telling their stories. Russell doesn’t seem to like Ronnie, but I’m sure the feeling is mutual. Casey doesn’t really like Chima, too. Michelle thinks it’s smart to downplay just how smart she is. Oh boy. That always works. Natalie decides to lie about her age to hide that she’s a champion tae kwan do-er. WTF? Hahahahaha - Kevin sees through her! Now he makes a crack about Laura’s giant boobs. Maybe I like this guy after all! Jordan says Jeff is “Days of Our Lives” cute - what does that even mean? (I still love her, though!)
After a commercial break, it’s time for Julie to inform them of the “high school clique” twist. This should go down well. (Enough with the “will change the game unlike ever before” crap!) Nice bad camera work when Julie mentions age. (Oh, and enough with the overly-dramatic pauses.) At least one part of the rules is clarified - whomever is in the same clique as the HOH can’t be nominated for eviction. Even the cast is pissed when Julie announces they’ll find out later which clique they’re in.
Most of the cast begins immediately groaning. Lydia is clearly not happy, and Kevin complains how he hated high school. Nice reference, Lydia. She wants Kevin in her group, so he can be “her Ducky” to “her Molly”. Quick, which movie is she referring to? Braden really seems to be a brain surgeon, and Ronnie believes he’s the smartest person in the house. Michelle again announces that she’s so smart. Yeah, we get it. You have a Phd. Natalie is still worried her age “secret” will be revealed, and again Casey reminds us how old he is. Ok, this is going on long enough. Can we please get this over with?
Finally, Julie returns to inform them of their groupings. They head out to the backyard, and nobody is really surprised with their cliques. Natalie downplays her tae kwan do background to Russell., and Lydia’s mood changes when she indeed is put into the “offbeat” group. Ugh, Casey. We get it. You think you’re hip with the youngsters. OMG, Michelle again has to brag about how smart she is, and Chima just has to point out that she was also popular. I hate hate hate her.
Julie comes in to announce the first HOH competition. A few people gasp when Julie tells them to “step into their underwear”, but unfortunately it’s not what they were thinking. The competition is called “The Wedgie”, and they have to hang onto their toilet seat as they’re being hung by their oversized underwear. But wait, the winner won’t actually be HOH, which completely confuses everybody. Julie promises to introduce us to four “familiar” faces after the break.
OMG, the rumors are true - Cowboy is indeed one of the four returning HG’s. And he thinks he was robbed of a victory. Dear Lord. Cute, but annoying Jessica is the second person introduced, and she thinks she was robbed of a win because of America’s Player. Um, no. BB10’s Brain is the third returning HG, and he feels he lost because he played too hard. Well, at least he’s being realistic.
The final returning HG is, unfortunately, Jesse. Yes, we get it. You have muscles. Oh god, I forgot just how much he annoyed me. He really hasn’t gotten any smarter.
Julie calls it their “Big Brother Do-over”, and she explains how they’re aligned with the cliques. Not only do they get to enter the house if their corresponding clique wins, they also get to be the first HOH. Julie then also explains this scenario to the house. The HG’s are then raised, and Russell and Laura immediately start whining. Braden says he wants to slap Laura’s ass. Um, sure you do. Casey claims that the girls have an advantage due to “obvious reasons”. Note to
Casey - enough with the homeboy talk.
The smartest girl in the house drops first, followed by Ronnie. Only Chima is left in the “brains” category, and she complains about how she should have had better teammates. Julie announces that the former HG’s get to choose contestants to get “super wedgies”, which means that their platforms start to move up and down. Come on, Julie, this is silly.
We do get a nice shot at Casey grabbing his junk, and Lydia then falls, followed by Jordan. Kevin is the next to go, leaving Casey as the only “off-beater” remaining. Jeff then falls, and Julie now has the former HG’s choose another round of “super wedgies”. The “athletes” get three of these, but Chima is the next to fall. Poor Brian.
Casey wants to fall, but for some reason Russell tells him to hang on. He still drops, though, and thankfully Cowboy is eliminated. It’s now the “populars” versus the “athletes”. I never thought I’d say this, but GO POPULARS!
After another set of commercials, we hear Laura brag about how they’re going to win! Yeah, sure. Kevin complains that the offbeats are going to be the targets “just like it was in high school”. Natalie begins to show off, and even Russell says she’s going a bit overboard. You think? Both Braden and Laura say they’re ready to drop, and sure enough Laura does indeed fall. She claims she could have held on, but doesn’t want a “target on her back”. Um, your target’s on your front, my dear.
Everybody is now starting to feel the pain…just as we viewers are watching this dullfest. Braden finally falls, making the athletes the victors. Oh, the humanity!!! We’re now forced to deal with Jesse for another season!!!
> Yeah, yeah, yeah. We could be targets. Blah blah blah. The typical post-contest blather. Julie then announces that it’s a former HG, and Lydia immediately catches on that it’s Jesse. Natalie hopes it’s Matty. Jesse is then allowed to walk into the house with lots of dramatic music, but we don’t get to see the silliness.
And scene. That’s the end of the first episode of season 11 of Big Brother. What do you think of this year’s HG’s? Or the twist?